My First Miscarriage

I hope that someone gets something out of the next few posts, because this topic is hard for me to discuss. . .

I found out I was pregnant for the first time on October 9, 2006. I actually kind of knew 5 days before, but didn't know. I was experiencing back pain and never realized that I was pregnant. Instead I went to the doctor, because the pain was just excruciating, and my temperature was fluctuating so wildly! I was going from a perfectly normal 98.6 to 99.6 which was really close to a fever for me. So I left work, and went home, called the doctor, who had me come in and gave me some pain meds. He gave me a muscle relaxant and Flexeril, which is basically the same thing as Aleve. I went hom and the next few days relaxed. Pregnancy never occured to me. I was tired, but I figured that was because of the muscle relaxants and medication I was on.

When I went back to work on Monday it was one of my coworkers who asked the question: "Do you think you could be pregnant."

"No," I replied, "at least, I don't think so."

Of course this caused me to wonder and wonder and at lunch time I ran out to Eckerds and picked up some First Response Pregnancy tests (they're my favorite for some reason). I took it into the bathroom at work and awkwardly peed on the thing (I'd become an expert on this much later). I put the stick down and intently not watched it, but when I glanced back at it there it was. TWO LINES!! I was pregnant!

There was never anyone as happy as I was finding this news out. We had been halfheartedly trying for the past 5 months, and I'd given up on this month.

Slowly over the next week we told everybody. Everyone knew, and even though the possibility of losing the baby wavered at the edge of my mind, I didn't really believe it. I just didn't believe it would happen to me. It made the truth so much more shocking.

I spend the day of October 19th just not feeling right. I felt like I was about to go on my period, and even though I had lots of discharge (for me this is actually a big sign of being pregnant), it just didn't feel right. It felt kind of gritty, not slippery. I kept going to the bathroom, I kept checking, and when it was time to go home I was glad to leave work. I went to the grocery store and got a few things, and when I went back home I felt like I needed to pee really badly. So I went to the bathroom, where I discovered a light brown stain. It was blood, there was no mistaking it.

I started freaking out, saying no, no, calling my doctor my mother. Thank God my mom had her wits about her, she was the one who called my husband. And then talked to me until he got home. I kept telling myself it was going to be alright, this happens sometimes in pregnancy, it was going to be okay.

We waited and waited in that hospital waiting room. Why weren't they going faster? What if something was wrong and they could save my baby?

Finally, after an hour of sitting there they called our names. I was sent back, told to undress, put on the gown. They took blood, did a quick pelvic exam. Sent me for an ultrasound. I kept thinking it was alright, because the ultrasound never said she didn't see anything. She just kept saying that what she saw was more indicative of four weeks as opposed to 5 1/2. I didn't know that meant that she didn't see a thing. We had a wait for another hour before they told us anything.

"I'm sorry Mrs. Burleson, but technically you're not pregnant."

Those were the exact word she used. I freaked out. I had been pregnant, but there was nothing to be seen on the ultrasound, and my HCG levels were down to 4. Even though her words were callous, they were true.

I couldn't face anyone for the next week. I listlessly went to the renaissance fair, went to see my parents like we always did on sundays. But when monday rolled around, I refused to go to work. I just couldn't face it.

I still hate to think about it, but I've come to terms with it now.

But it's still hard. I would have had my baby June 2, 2007, I could have had a baby in my arms by now. . .